Are Today's Actors Up to Snuff?

Chicago actors are willing to do just about anything for a job. But are they willing to do... that?

Thirty years ago, I got my first big break as a fledgling journalist. During much of the early ‘90s, I was writing mostly for indie rags, who paid me in coffee and gratitude (and sometimes not even that). But then, out of the blue, I got a call from an editor at Harpers Magazine, asking to publish (or republish) a story I’d written for some tiny Chicago ‘zine. I was ecstatic. Finally, a national publication! I was on my way to fame and fortune. (Sucker.)

My parents were over the moon. And then I had to warn them that the story maybe wasn’t something they’d want to share with the neighbors, and definitely not the grandparents. It was about snuff films. It was my attempt to recreate some of the comedy magic I’d read in Spy, my favorite magazine at the time. Remember when magazines were still a thing? Yeah, those were some wild times.

Anyway, the story has vanished into the ether of forgotten journalism. Until today. Here, at last, in all its smutty glory, is the story that made me think, “Maybe this writing thing is for me.” I was wrong, of course. But wow, what a feeling it was in 1995.

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“Chicago actors are desperate creatures,” Frank Sanders (name changed by request) told me over lunch at a Wells Street bar. “They'll take any gig they can grab.”

Sanders, a reputable casting agent who has represented actors for over fifteen years, made a convincing case. I know a good number of actors in Chicago, and they are certainly some of the most work-hungry people I know. And despite the increasing amount of film and theater opportunities cropping up, there never seems to be enough action to go around. An actor is lucky to get anything they can find. But I disagreed with Sanders as to how drastic the situation was.

“I think there are limits,” I told him. “They won’t take anything.”

“Yes, anything!” He shot back. “I dare you to name even one acting job that no actor in this city would go near.”

“Snuff films.”

Sanders looked away for a moment. Take that, you self-righteous bastard, I thought. You’re not as smart as you think you are.

Just as I was ready to mock him openly, he turned back to me and said, “Yes, I think some of them might.”

I was aghast. Who would accept a job that, by definition, involved being killed? Wouldn’t that make it hard to cash the check? It would certainly bring an embarrassing halt to a career.

“I think some of them would consider it,” Sanders continued. “They wouldn't want to be the one killed. But if they had been out of work long enough, they might agree to be involved in it.”

After Sanders left, I found myself consumed with a curious dread. Would a hungry and penniless actor seriously contemplate accepting employment in a snuff film? I wanted to believe that nothing that nasty and amoral could ever happen in Chicago. It was just too hideous to be true.

I decided that the only way to rebuke Mr. Sanders' claims would be with hard evidence to the contrary. I would have to find out first hand, with investigative journalism of the most disturbing kind.

I began by creating a bogus audition notice, which I posted at various theaters and sent to that 976 casting hotline. The ad read as follows:

“Garage Productions seeks actors for their upcoming film, Dangerous Love. Some nudity. Excellent pay. Call (312) 871- **** and ask for Eric.”

Within twenty-four hours I got my first rush of phone calls. As I soon discovered, subtly informing someone that they will be auditioning for a snuff film is no easy task. Thankfully, most called my bluff, and a few of them threatened to report me to the authorities (causing me to quickly let them in on the joke and hope for the best). But, much to my alarm, I did manage to catch a few suckers who not only believed me, but actually seemed... interested.

SUCKER NUMBER ONE

WOMAN: Hello. I’m calling about the auditions.

ME: For Dangerous Love?

WOMAN: Yes. Can I ask what the pay is?

ME: We haven’t arrived at an exact figure yet, but it should be in the five figures.

WOMAN: Really?

ME: Of course, you understand that there will be some nudity involved.

WOMAN: I’m fine with that.

ME: That’s great. May I ask, have you ever acted in adult videos before?

WOMAN: Excuse me?

ME: Never mind. Just a formality question. Now then, when can we set up an audition?

WOMAN: Uh…

ME: Is something wrong?

WOMAN: Is this going to be an adult video?

ME: No, no, not at all. (Pause.) Well, not in so many words.

WOMAN: I’m sorry, I’m confused.

ME: We don’t consider what we do pornography. It’s more… a commentary on pornography.

WOMAN: A commentary?

ME: You know. A reaction. A dialectic observation.

WOMAN: You mean parody?

ME: Um.. yeah, sure, that works.

WOMAN: I can do that. I took classes at Second City.

ME: That’s great! Tell me, are you religious?

WOMAN: Uh…

ME: What are your feelings about death?