Mike Ditka vs. a Hurricane: The Shocking Outcome (According to Ditka)

Dumb questions with Pete Rose, Magic Johnson, and Da Coach

Autumn is my favorite season for sports. Baseball is heading into the postseason playoffs, football and basketball are back and it’s too soon to be disappointed by your favorite team. Even Dallas Cowboy fans are like, “Maybe this year won’t suck?” The fall air practically crackles with anticipation.

It’s also the perfect season for asking sports icons some very, very stupid questions. As luck would have it, for a decade or two, that was precisely my job. Here are few of my favorite exchanges with some of the biggest names in sports ball.

MIKE DITKA

Eric Spitznagel: Here’s a hypothetical match-up: This year’s Bears versus the 1985 Bears. Who wins?

Mike Ditka: You don’t want to go there.

ES: I really do.

MD: No. Trust me on this.

ES: O.K., let’s make it a little fairer. You’re coaching the current Bears team. Could you out-coach the 1985 Ditka?

MD: It wouldn’t matter. We had such a lineup of players. Our defense was outstanding in every position. And our offense was pretty darn good. I’m just saying, I think the ’85 Bears would have the edge.

ES: But purely in terms of “Golden Age Ditka” versus “Retired and Living in Florida Ditka,” which Ditka has the edge?

MD: I don’t think about stuff like that.

ES: You don’t think you’ve gotten better with age?

MD: You have to live in the moment. I don’t live in the past, I don’t live in the future. I live in the right here and the right now. You can say to me, “You should have won the Super Bowl more than once.”

ES: You should have won the Super Bowl more than once.

MD: Well, maybe we should have. But we didn’t. I don’t think I would’ve been a better coach today than I was back then. Maybe I would be if I had the same temperament I have right now. I’m a lot less fiery than I was back then, believe me.

ES: I do believe you. If this was the 80s, you would’ve torn me a new asshole at least once by now.

MD: Maybe, I don’t know. I admire these coaches who have great self-control. But I don’t think you can be anybody but who you are.

ES: Here’s another hypothetical battle: you versus a hurricane. Who wins that contest?

MD: I’m big winded but I’m not as windy as a hurricane. I’m pretty sure the hurricane would win hands down.

ES: What if the hurricane was called Hurricane Ditka?

MD: Well, then we’d have a problem. A hurricane that takes my name? I’m not going to let that slide.