Talking about Dead Friends with Ethan Hawke

Why grieve alone when you can grieve with the star of "Reality Bites"?

Illustration by George Eckart

Exactly ten years ago this week, I was sent by Men’s Health to interview Ethan Hawke. He was promoting a new movie called Good Kill. I have no memory of the plot—it was a war movie, something to do with Afghanistan, I think—but I do remember this: Just an hour before my interview with Ethan, I learned that an old college friend had died.

It wasn’t a complete surprise. Deb, my friend, had been diagnosed with a brainstem tumor earlier that year. I followed news of her treatment on Facebook—she had moved to the UK years ago—and her slow realization, along with the rest of us, that she wouldn’t be getting better. But hearing that it was over, that she was really gone, still hit me like a brick to the face.

Learning that anyone you love has died is rattling. But especially when it happens to a peer, somebody your own age. You suddenly feel very vulnerable, acutely aware that life is fleeting. You just want to be alone for a while and feel sad for your friend and sorry for yourself and angry at the unfairness of the universe.

But I didn’t get to do that. I had a prior commitment to talk to a movie star.

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Eric Spitznagel: I think we’re roughly the same age. You’re 44, right?

Ethan Hawke: I am, yes.

ES: Do you feel 44? Do you feel your age?

EH: I’m very aware of it. You feel your relationship to other people changing. But it beats the alternative, right? Which is dying.

ES: Speaking of death…